Those Crazy Canuck's


From the SMH.

"A Canadian man was acquitted of sexual assault this week after a judge ruled he was asleep during the attack.

The acquitted 33-year-old landscaper had met a woman at a party... Both had been drinking and fell asleep on a couch.

The woman woke up to find the landscaper having sex with her and pushed him off.

He immediately woke up, but told the court he only suspected they had had sex after going to the bathroom and finding he was still wearing a condom.

A sleep expert testified at his trial that the man suffered from sexomnia, a sort of sleep walking that includes sexual acts, likely brought on by alcohol, sleep deprivation and genetics.

The man had previously had "sleep sex" with four girlfriends, the court heard."

Hmmm... I'm not sure if this sort of thing is common in Canadia, but it is useful to know, in case that sort of thing happens to one of us innocent Aussies whilst we're over there trying to enjoy the culture of the place.

Yet another reason to be glad we're going to Big White


Fitting In: Part II



On further review, it appears that the Cutting Edges Gay Hockey Team are NOT, as it turns out, Vancouver's hockey team. Apparently these guys are.

Aw c'mon, it's an easy mistake to make. We're different sides of the globe, people.

One of the things that looked interesting on the Canucks website was this strange and frankly silly-sounding thing called a "blog" (hope I spelt that right). It seems that this particular "blog" does something that is called "live-blogging", which, I think, means that it watches hockey games and writes down what is happening. Which is positive - it means at least one person is watching the hockey.

Well - I've analysed this "blog" and here's my interpretion of the some of the highlights of the action on the ice.

Match Report: Vancouver Cutting Edges Canucks vs. the San Jose Sharks: Thursday November 4th 2005.

Pre-Game: - Well, the Sharks played last night and lost a close game against Calgary and had flight troubles getting into Vancouver.

I just think it's terrible how restrictive airport security is these days. Yet, at the same time, the shark can be a dangerous predator. We must be alert.


Wow – the author doesn’t hold back, huh?

00:01 - Canucks win the draw


and start with their checking line

Oh, wait. My bad.

that was very good against the Blackhawks the other night.


1:13 - Not a great start, but it is still early. The big line didn’t do much and the defence looks a little tentative. Twins with Carter are on…. Let’s see what they can do.

1:45 - Carter had a nice backhander on Nabokov

A fight already! Man, these Canucks are crazy-like!

3:27 - Not a bad shift, but they still aren’t jumping on a San Jose team that has to be tired.

Jumping? On people? With SKATES on?!

7:10 - Wow, a real lack of anything to talk about…

Indeed. So I hear you guys legalised gay marriage?

8:28 - Well that didn’t take long

What, too soon?

12:35 - The pace is picking up on both sides, but the Canucks just can’t seem to get through the neutral zone with any momentum….. their passes are not crisp.

Unlike the chips.

13:34 - The Sharks just threw Kesler down in the corner, but he didn’t have the puck and there was no call from the officials…… Kerry Fraser was right there watching but didn’t make a call….

Damn you, Frasier! Why can’t you leave Canadia alone!

16:53 - Naslund springs Bertuzzi at the Sharks blueline, he beats the defenceman but makes one too many move and can’t get the shot away on Nabokov…. Bert got hit down low in the Sharks zone and limps to the Canucks bench…. Getting a bit of a neck rub, could be his back…

Wait. Hang on second.

“Bert got hit down low in the Sharks zone…”

and then…

“…limps to the Canucks bench…”

and then he is…

“…getting a bit of a neck rub, could be his back…”

His back. Or, you know, his testicles.

19:01 - Bit of scrappy play but no real chances, the Sharks are playing very defensively and clogging up the neutral zone on Vancouver…..

End 1st Period.

Too much info, ma'am.

My Friend Cheese Says - The first five minutes was like a first date, you just start by feeling each other out.

Note to self: In Canadia, first date = second base.

Start 2nd Period.

That's it! Let's leave things here, shall we?

So that's the game, and what an exciting one it was! Almost like being there - isn't technology awesome?

Incidentally, what with two-thirds of our travelling party starting accounting jobs next year, we were pleased to note that SAP are the Corporate Partners of the San Jose Sharks.

Fills me with pride, really, to know that accounting is having an impact on such a widely watched and loved game as hockey. Go San Jose!

Fitting In: Part I


So - being Australians, one of the few things that we're very, very good at is sport. Not so much participating in it as watching it (speak for yourself - Michael).

And as we understand it from conversations with people who have been to Canadia, it seems that one of the things that they're really really good at, besides importing drugs into the States and being mauled by Polar bears, is watching sport, too. One sport in particular.


Now, we're pretty sport obsessed here in down-under. Which makes sense, too, because there f**k all decent art or theatre going round (gay, Kerno - M.) But it seems those crazy Canucks take obsession with this sport to a whole new level.

In order to more properly assimilate into this unusual and slightly scary culture hey, we've put together a primer on Hockey in Canadia, with a particular focus on Vancouver.

So here goes.

The Unofficial Guide to Hockey in Canadia
- Vancouver -

Vancouver’s hockey team was formed in 1994.

Nicknamed “The Cutting Edges”, they competed in the 1994 NY Gay Games at Coney Island, losing four of five games. From this auspicious beginning they have gone on to be the pride and joy of Vancouver, going from strength to strength to win the 2004 Chelsea Challenge in New York.

They have seen such hockey greats come through their doors as Ryan Robutka, who scored a club-high 7 points in a 2004 game against the T-birds, and Daryl Kochan, who holds the all-time record hissy fits thrown in a game. He achieved this milestone on 11/30/2003, which I think means the eleventh of Octoberfest, 2003.

That’s Daryl in the middle, still working hard at it.

Their website exists at The Cutting Edges Gay Hockey Team and it seems they have quite a fan base.

Apparently those are called "Cheerleaders" in Canadia.

So there you go – we’re ready to go out and get into the hockey action in Vancouver. Can’t wait to see those “Edges” slice the ice up.

Oh my God there are two of them!?!


Unfortunately, yes.

The twins?


Also know as Mini Kel Forward Back Forward and Mini Kel Back Back Back , for reasons that are too complicated to delineate here.



Hey - Kerno here. Pop by every now and again to check out what's going on, and send us emails about what's going on in your part of the world;

ohcanadia [AT]

Wish us luck!

About this.


We're taking an overseas trip. But we’re too lazy we don't want to clog everyone's inbox with what may or may not be the funniest freakin' email you're ever like to receive.

So, we set up this blog. Come through if you miss us you're bored at work and see what we're up to. We guarantee can't guarantee you'll like but you're bound to be able to laugh at Kerno's feeble attempts at picking up, Michael's inabilty to do anything useful on the ski field thanks to a recently torn cruciate, and John's....well, John's just fat.

See you on the slopes!

(Lamest sign-off ever, Kerno - John)



"So what are we gonna do in Vancouver?"

"Well, I read somewhere you can go scuba-diving there."


................ "You're an idiot."

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